The Zebra At Sugarcube Corner
by Slesh
Summary: Equestria is considered by many to be a safe haven for everypony. Yeah right. This place is dangerous, racist, and obviously defies all laws of nature. How is Zecora okay with this? Inspired by Diary of a Wimpy Kid.
1. Arrival

**Arrival**

Tuesday

Last week I received a letter from my elder sister Zecora. She had been residing in this "Everfree Forest" for a long time now, I suppose she decided now was a good a time as ever to invite me over.

According to her letters, Equestria is in stark contrast to our own homeland. The conveniences I have always taken for granted are daily chores for the pegasi, unicorns and earth ponies. In the province of Ponyville (a small town neighboring the Everfree Forest) the residents change seasons through hard work and cooperation. They don't just control the temperature either, but when it rains, snows, even the time and place a rainbow will show up. Strange, I wonder why the weather is the same in every place EXCEPT Equestria. Is there some kind of magical barrier that separates the nation's boundaries from everything else? If that is the case, why go to such trouble? Maybe it's just a way of forcing the races into working together. Doesn't really matter, my sister has certainly gotten used to it.

In fact, she's embracing the foreign world's methods. Even though she lives in a simple hut on the wooded outskirts of Ponyville, she has collected quite the assortment of friends. All of which greatly vary in personality and physical appearance, good for her.

Making friends hasn't really been a problem for me. I guess because our breed isn't very "multi-colored," so you know, we can't really make fun of each other that much. So it blows me away, that these ponies can even talk to each other when they're so different.

One detail has been disturbing me for a long time now. Turns out, Equestria is co-ruled by two princesses. So why the HELL are they still princesses? Wouldn't QUEENS be the appropriate title? It would make more sense if their parents were still alive, but NOBODY knows if they even exist! How come they were NEVER mentioned at all? Did their king and queen just bail on them? That's HORRIBLE!

Whatever, I'm leaving for the train station.

Wednesday

So I'm writing this while waiting for the train. You will not believe this.

It took FOREVER to find the express to Ponyville. You'd think it wouldn't be hard right? Not many towns named Ponyville. Well guess what, every fucking place is a GOD DAMN PUN! I can't make this shit up journal! Look at this, fucking CANTERLOT that's great, that's good stuff. Oh wait, wait, FILLYDELPHIA I have never seen something so stupid in my existence. Oh this is grade "A" material, MANEHATTAN! I get it, their ponies! That doesn't mean every god damn city has to be a fucking pun! Are you kidding me? Can't even comprehend, I cannot believe…that's new. STALLIONGRAD! Aw hell naw. This is just retarded now. If my train doesn't arrive in the next five seconds I'm going to fucking lose it!

Thursday

I've been stuck in this train FOREVER! This has been the longest day I've ever had. Seriously, let me run you by this crappy day.

So there I am, minding my own business, looking out the window. And these ponies…are just STARING at me. WHY are they staring at me? At first, I thought that I possibly had some snot hanging out of my nose or something. It couldn't have been my clothes; all I had on was a couple of rings and a hood. Then it hit me, it was because I'm a zebra.

Ponies think I'm a god damn terrorist! You see, what I don't understand is…why are zebras discriminated against? We're black and white, woopty fucking doo!

Some of these freaks are BUTT NAKED! I've seen ponies that are orange, pink, yellow, purple, tangerine, so why the fuck am I the pariah? After making this realization I tried getting some much needed sleep. Not that I would be able to, the train track is so damn rickety, I just didn't want to risk glazing over any one of these racists.

But then…hehe, this little filly is poking my head from the seat in front of me. Almost blew my fuse until I looked into her huge, adorable eyes. My entire wrath evaporated instantaneously when her innocent voice met my ears.

"Hi…" She choked.

That was so cute I just had to reply. I said "Hello, what's your name?" in the nicest tone I could muster.

Oh my god, I mean holy shit…she said the most racist comment in the history of time.

"Why don't you rhyme?"

ARE YOU SHITTING ME! So just because I'm a zebra means we all automatically fucking RHYME, that was the last straw man.

Here's what should have happened. I should have grabbed her neck, broke the window, and threw her out. No remorse.

However, I was somehow able to contain myself after that god-awful question.

"No, I don't rhyme." I informed the dumb kid.

She says "I thought all zebras did that."

Oh my lord. Almost punched that idiot in the face, we do not rhyme all of the time! Okay granted, I can rap pretty well, I could definitely spit some mad rhymes if I wanted to. Because you know I'm a boss. But that's not the point! It's times like this when I wonder what my sister has been doing here. What kind of impression was she leaving on these ignorant ponies?

The filly's folks had FINALLY taken notice of their daughter's heckling me and shushed her. I am grateful for that. I'm looking forward to meeting my sister in Ponyville's town square. As long as I can survive another day, that is.

Friday

Everything I once believed about these ponies has been proven dead wrong. They are not the benevolent creatures Zecora had made them out to be. They are spastic, unreal, and somehow a bit cartoony.

The pink one is on drugs.

The yellow one is a doormat.

The lavender one is a geek.

The orange one is a hill-pony.

The pale one is a bitch.

And the blue one is a lesbian.


	2. Jailed

**Jailed**

Monday

The pink filly refuses to leave me alone. I have tried telling her to back off countless times, but to no avail. All she does is sing, sing, sing, SING! Blasting my fucking ear drums with the most random crap…my ears are bleeding. My ears are BLEEDING to the point where I would rather listen to a dying puppy…on fire…while being kicked. You can try to ignore her, it never works though. You can try running away…you'd have a better chance ignoring her. She's everywhere, and at the same time…nowhere. I've tried EVERYTHING! Every hiding spot I could find, everywhere you could ever think to go. She's fucking THERE!

It's scary; she takes a massive, disgraceful, ungodly SHIT on everything I've ever believed in. Physics can go fuck itself. The laws of nature got nothing on Pinkie.

So I had enough right? Someone needs to teach her a lesson. So I looked her right in the eye, got up on my hooves, pointed at her, and in the most stentorian voice I could muster cried, "YOU ARE FUCKING HIGH!" And I meant every god damn word. Dude, they must have some serious shrooms down in Ponyville because this bitch simply cannot be this way every day.

Then she started crying.

I wanted to throw myself on something sharp. I made this cute, innocent, young filly BAWL because I was such a fucking asshole. Imagine wanting to kill yourself, try to think of the most painful way you could possibly take your own life. Like burning in lava, or sitting in an electric chair without a sponge. Now multiply that…by seven. That would be just about the effect her crying had on me.

Then, before I knew it, the princess materializes out of thin air. She teleported me to a small jail cell and proceeded to HURTLE ME into it. I fear for what is to come, I still don't fully understand how the court system works around here.

Tuesday

There is no court system, or laws, or rules. There is only one thing you can possibly achieve when arrested…the moon sentence. I kid you not, the MOON sentence.

I've been informed that this is the reason everypony behaves. Turns out, I'm not the first to receive this punishment. I've heard of a Trixie, the Flim-Flam brothers or something. Oh I forgot, she imprisoned her own fucking sister on the moon as well.

I can think of 4 reasons why this is one of the most cruel, unforgivable, irredeemable damnations you could give EVER.

One: If Celestia had control over the elements of harmony at the time, why did she think condemning her sister in the moon was a more viable option compared to CHANGING HER BACK?

Two: You can't survive on the moon, I mean the other princess was an alicorn so I guess I'll let that go, but if you're anypony else you're FUCKED. Your internal organs would almost instantly EXPLODE!

Three: Let's say she somehow got past reason number two, STARVATION is a problem! Her sister was stuck there with no food for one thousand years.

Four: If Celestia somehow made reasons two and three plausible, Why? OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY! WOULD YOU LET HER COME BACK? I get it, the spell wore off, but why didn't she just use it again? And if it was a one-time only spell, she shouldn't have put her responsibility on a socially inept TEENAGE FILLY YOU FRIGGIN' LOONY!

Honestly, I don't even know what I did wrong. Was it something I said? What, have these ponies never heard of a curse word before?

Wednesday

I've recently been informed that they have never heard of curse words before. Instead, they've all been replaced with puns. I'm losing my sanity.

Journal, do you think I might me overreacting? Am I the one with the problem? Am I supposed to accept this utopia for what it is and simply adjust my persona to get along better with its denizens, thus changing myself for the better? Can I trust in my sister's word that these are compassionate ponies who just want to help in any way they can? I mean Pinkie wasn't all that bad…no, that's the face of a killer.

Thursday

Zecora bailed me out. Through much pleading with the princess, I've earned community service for a year.

I think I'd rather take the moon.

My sister has been chastising me all day long, hey it's not my fault she lives around a bunch of crack addicts. Well, I'm the bad guy now, I went to make amends to everypony I've met so far, I didn't really care if they forgave me or not but my sister would kick my ass so hard I'd have to sit on my eyes if I refused.

First, I visited the orange one, Applejack. She was very honest with me. She said, in her opinion, I was an ignorant, stubborn assclown and she disliked my personality. And I told her that her name referenced an alcoholic beverage. She punched me roughly fifty meters away from the barn.

Next, I visited the marshmallow unicorn, Rarity. I apologized, and she rolled her eyes saying she forgave me for yelling at Pinkie. I was about to leave until I noticed something a little weird. I asked plainly, "You make clothes for a living right? How come nopony in Ponyville, you included, doesn't ever wear anything? If your naked all the time, how are you promoting your own business…just saying." She punched me a couple yards, effectively banning me from ever coming back to her boutique.

My face was swollen. The third pony I visited was the yellow pegasus, Fluttershy. She actually invited me inside, genuinely concerned for my wellbeing. Finally, some manners, I thought. I rested on the couch; she went to get some hot water for me. So there I am, totally relaxed. Fluttershy comes back with a mortar of steaming water, obviously meant for my face. Then this FUCKING BUNNY trips her, and this steaming hot water hits me in my freaking eyes. Oh the humanity, I stumbled out of the door, and to my dismay her cottage was on top of a fucking hill. So I'm rolling down this fucking slope going at least fifty miles per fucking hour before I hit something soft. So yeah, something had to go right for me eventu-WRONG! Lord beholds a startled grizzly bear that proceeds to maul me within an inch of my life before giving me the MIDDLE FINGER and walking away.

I've been burnt, mauled, and clawed at. But my sister is like "Fuck that shit. You haven't apologized to everypony yet." Now, journal, you'd think I'd change up my attitude after my failures right? Well let's just assume I'm a stubborn dick who doesn't want to experiment any further then what I've already done, that way we can move on. SO LET'S MOVE ON! I met the sky blue pegasus, Rainbow Dash. I found her the least annoying. Don't get me wrong that's like choosing which sack of shit smells the least. She looked like the strongest of all the ponies I've met, so I treaded as carefully as I could. One thing led to another and before I knew it, she piceds me up, fliew straight up and droped me on my head. Lucky I didn't break my neck.

Twilight Sparkle, that atrocious lavender pony might be the worst of them. I knocked on her door right? I'm tired, beaten, disgraced. I wasn't in the mood for two more apologies. A dragon opens the door, he raises an eyebrow. He says "what the hay happened to you?" I was about to tell him it wasn't any of his business, but I chose not to. "Where's Twilight?" I asked. He called the geek's name; she sauntered over with a bored look on her. "What?" Her tone kind of threw me off my rocker. "I just wanted to say sorry." I said. "Yeah, you can go buck yourself, oh hi Zecora what's up?" Zecora must have known my inner rage was about to volcanically erupt so she decided to punch my shoulder. After my sister finished explaining my lack of knowledge over Equestria, making me sound half retarded all the while, Twilight lightened up. "I'm sorry I said what I said. I'm Twilight." She introduced herself. Little did she know I don't let things slide easily. "Well you can go buck yourself." She used a levitation spell and THREW me; I mean she fucking THREW me I don't know how far.

I'm in a hospital bed now, waiting on Pinkie Pie.

Friday

Dear Journal, I don't know why but…The pink one is looking at you kind of weird. I pray she doesn't steal you, if I ever let you fall into the wrong hooves I don't know what I'd do.

HIYA, MY NAME'S CROSS! I'M LIKE TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH PINKIE PIE AND STUFF! I'M JUST LIKE SO AFRAID TO ADMIT IT! I USE NAUGHTY WORDS BECAUSE MY VOCABULARY STINKS AND I ACT LIKE A MEANY PANTS ALL THE TIME WHEN I'M REALLY JUST INSECURE! I'M CHASING PINKIE PIE THROUGH THE HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I'M SO MADLY IN LOVE WITH HER, HER CUPCAKES, HER…

Oh dear god, I got you back. I'll find a better hiding spot I swear; she'll never defile you again. I promise.

BUT SERIOUSLY I WANT HER SO BAD. YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I WANT? PUPPIES, FLOWERS, ICE CREAM, LEMONADE, CHOCALATE…

She's friggin' crazy, is this her way of forgiving me? I don't even know how she could have possibly found you. It's as if she knew beforehand, don't worry though, I'll keep you close.

Saturday

Alright, community service, it's my first day so I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to do. Let's see here, deliver cakes for Sugarcube Corner. Okay, this shouldn't be too difficult. At least I won't see that pink lunatic there right?

No, no god, no, NO! NO PLEASE! NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!


End file.
